I’m surrounded by people who speak Romanian, my native language. This should be familiar and easy, but it’s not. It feels weird and uncomfortable. I feel like I’m from a different planet. I hear the words coming out of their mouths, but I can’t register them fully. I can’t keep up with the ideas that seem to flow effortlessly for others.

My brain is trying to find some clarity and meaning in familiar words, but they seem hollow and distant. When I speak Romanian now, I feel clumsy, stupid and even fake. Sometimes, I end up sitting there while my frustration and shame slowly envelop me like a tight blanket that stops me from breathing.

What’s happening to me? Why do I find it so hard to express my ideas? To share what I’m thinking? To put my thoughts in order? To be clear? I know the language, so why can’t I express myself in it anymore?

It’s because I’ve changed. But I had no idea how big the transformation was until recently.

After living in London for over eighteen years, I moved back to Romania a year and a half ago. The transition was tough for me. Tougher than moving to the UK in 2006. When I lived there, I made a conscious effort to refine my English (for which I always had a soft spot) and to fully embrace the British culture. And I did. I lived, worked and surrounded myself with people from cultures around the world. And in this way, I “forced” myself to practice my English too.

I don’t even know when I stopped processing and translating the words in my head, from Romanian to English, when I was talking to someone. I think it happened naturally throughout the years. I just realised one day that I was thinking in English too.

But the biggest shift happened during my Psychosynthesis training. Without even realising, English slowly became more than a second language. It became something I’ve never experienced before: a magical bridge between my mind, body and feelings. It became the language of my soul.

I didn’t just learn new words then. I experienced them and connected with them in a completely new way. I knew what the word “ safe” meant in Romanian on a rational level, but until then, I had never felt it in my body.

My mind used to be the most important thing for me, until then. And rationalising words and feelings would have been enough. I worshipped logic, structure, and academic intelligence in others and craved it in myself. While my body and feelings were not even acknowledged. I have been for most of my life, disconnected from them. The results of an unconscious choice I had to make a long time ago, to keep myself safe.

So when I finally got to embody the words and feel them, I connected with a different type of intelligence that comes from a deeper place within me. It felt more real to me, more aligned with who I really am: the intelligence of my heart.

Psychosynthesis was the map that got me there. But English was the container that helped me do that.

The transition from speaking mainly English for a long time to speaking more Romanian now feels different this time. My thinking process still flows naturally in English in my head. Only now, an awkward process happens: my mind tries to translate some words from English into Romanian. And I find that exhausting sometimes.

It not only interrupts a natural flow of ideas, which is frustrating. But it also makes me feel disconnected from myself; it stops me from connecting to a different clarity, one that comes straight from my soul.

But what I struggled with the most during this transition was the shame and the feelings of inadequacy that came up in groups when I had to speak. I don’t know what the people around me thought every time I stumbled on my words in Romanian. What I do know is that in those moments, a critical part of me was making me feel inadequate, fake, and stupid because I couldn’t express myself clearly. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me. And this made me explain myself to people. Made me try harder to be heard and understood. It made me relive the stories and pain of my past, which I thought I had already dealt with.

Romanian feels limiting now, because it still carries the remnants of a culture that I believe rejected important parts of me: my sensitivity, my depth, and my true self. It feels a bit raw at times, because it still holds the memories of those wounds of disconnection, from others and from myself.

But English helped me to acknowledge, connect to and honour all of myself. It helped me heal the wounds of my past. It opened the door to another way of showing up in the world, one that is more aligned, more detached, and more present.

I’m not saying that English is the best language in the world. I love my native language. And I know I don’t have to choose between them, I can use both in different situations.

But last week I realised that English is now a big part of my identity as a Psychosynthesis guide. I believe there’s a reason why I’ve been obsessed with it since I was little. It’s the language my soul chose to heal itself. To express myself and share with the world the things I’ve learned on my journey so far, and what I’m still learning.

Sometimes my brain is still struggling to find the meaning of familiar words in Romanian when I’m with people. But now, I’m trying to make space and allow the clarity that comes from the wisdom of my body and heart.

This wisdom is more of a quiet whisper than a roar. It doesn’t push or try to convince anyone, because it sees things from a different, higher perspective. It’s the type of clarity that holds me gently and helps me focus on myself, while also making space for others to be themselves. That feels freeing and more like myself.

Many feelings can come up if you feel more connected to a second language. Please don’t be too hard on yourself; you are only human. None of these feelings are wrong or invalid.

True clarity emerges not only when you listen to your mind, body, and soul, but also when you love yourself enough to accept and feel those feelings as they are.

No matter what language you speak.